Monday, November 25, 2013

frustrated

Snow flakes big and fluffy being swept down Grand Rapids streets this morning. Sunshine is fleeting between clouds. And one of the best orthopedic surgeons just told me that my left knee has tendinosis. "I know this will require a lifestyle change" were some of his words.

Sigh. Six years ago an ambulance ride to the ER and numerous doctor visits later along with a rough  couple of months, and I was diagnosed with anxiety and mild depression. For someone who generally had life together, this was not received with great embrace. 

Yet, I've generally been able to control and deal with that crap. Sometimes it means living a lament and other times it has been a source of relating to others with mental illnesses. Other times it is a distant memory. 

Not the idea of physical limitations is not keen to me. I still want to run my first 25k race. I still want to run a marathon. I'm only 47, and most days I feel more like 34 or 28 in terms of health. Damn knee.

So I'm treating myself to my favorite coffee spot on the entire earth. There are people here. Crying or weeping seem not like an option. Surgery will immobilize me for three months, and there is only a decent rate of significant improvement. As the surgeon said, "It it was a torn meniscus, we could fix it."

Instead, I face this. Not knowing how much pain a short run can cause and not knowing if or when surgery should become a reality. The concept of physical limitations was never any sort of reality in my life. Considering the idea makes my teeth chatter together. My top teeth bite at my lower lip wanting to push this tendinosis thing away from me. 

This snow is beautiful at one level. At another it's just damn cold creeping into the beautiful Michigan landscape for four months. And on this day three sets of 24 hours before Thanksgiving I am not feeling so thankful. Or at least when thinking of the health of my body. I want to feel like 34 again.

And for now I need to figure out lament that can move me in a positive way. Or just lament.






1 comment:

karen said...

Lament. For awhile. It's a loss and it's painful. The reality of life is that bodies age and wear. The challenge is wearing with grace...or is it wearing the grace. You've had a major disappointment today. Tucked inside this day there are still blessings. Little ones perhaps, but still blessings. It would be a loss not to identify them and claim them. That's within your power and control...even as aging knees are not!