Shivers wrestle their way across the muscles, bones, and flesh of my body just writing the title to this post. We've experienced death before with this family, but it's usually been a miscarriage with a life cut short. It's been many years since Grandma Gert went to live with God. We still have great memories. We also still grieve her loss. If only my kids could have tasted her chocolate milk on on hot summer day or seen the look of pure joy her eyes gave out to her grandchildren most every time we entered her kitchen for a family visit.
Death is suppoesd to hurt a bit less as people age. We are supposed to die eventually. But we are not. We were meant to live with God among us on this earth. We were meant to live forever, but somehow we do not yet live in that reality. Until then, we will live with pain, hurt, and tears. The shivers will continue as we know a funeral is coming and Grandpa will be burying his second wife. We will share memories of Grandma Fan for decades to come as well. She was such a natural second grandma. She loved us and my grandpa well.
Life is not supposed to be this way. Until God lives more completely among us, hold me tight. I'm shaking like a leaf on a tree in a summer storm, and I want to believe everything will be o.k. But sometimes I'm not so sure... Just don't tell me God meant for it to be this way or that it's all in God's plan. Death was never in God's plan. Pain was never in God's plan. That isn't the way of God... and I'm sensing the winds are increasing.... I want to go hold my grandpa's hand like my eight year old boyhood of thirty-seven years ago did on many occasions.